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Leprechaun 4 Script Part 1 |
Other stuff: Email - Guestbook |
Written by Dennis Pratt
Blue Rider Pictures
The more interesting variations from the finished movie are marked in red.
1 FADE IN:
Deep space, infinity bathed in a grayish light that comes from a distant sun. Space debris careens past us, huge rocks capable of wiping out anything in their path. In the midst of all this, a huge space ship passes overhead and we see the lettering, "BEHEMOTH" painted in tight, red letters on the side of the ship, near the bow.
2 INT. ARMORY. BEHEMOTH. NIGHT.
CLOSE ON A futuristic looking space cannon mounted on stand. We PAN by this cannon, moving left to right down a narrow aisle until we reach PVT. ERNIE KOWALSKI, a born killer wearing a marine uniform and body armor as he lovingly polishes his automatic weapon. PVT. LUCKY SMITH, all American boy, strolls past Kowalski and we FOLLOW him as he clips a rabbits foot to the trigger guard of his automatic weapon. MOOCH, another private, big and sloppy walks into frame and stops Lucky.
MOOCH: Lucky... ya got a cigarette?
LUCKY: No... I don't have a cigarette... ask me for a breath mint sometime, why don't ya?
Lucky turns and goes the other way. Mooch watches him, puzzled.
MOOCH: What's that s'posed to mean? Hey...
He turns and we FOLLOW him over to STICKS, a black Marine staff sergeant, sharp as a tack, alert, working the action on his weapon, making sure it's smooth and well oiled.
MOOCH: (continuing) Sticks... ya got a cigarette?
Sticks takes a cigarette from behind his ear and hands it to Mooch.
MOOCH: How about one more for later? (off Sticks' glare) Got a match?
STICKS: Mooch... do me a favor, man... get yourself adopted, or somethin'. I'm tired of takin' care of ya.
Mooch, rebuffed, turns and walks away, looking for another sucker. We stay with Sticks as he slams a magazine home in his rifle and turns to his left and PRIVATE DELORES COSTELLO, a tough looking, well put together female standing a few feet away, opening a metal box filled with grenades.
STICKS: Coupla' eggs over easy, Delores.
She tosses him two grenades, one after another. He catches them and nods his thanks. Delores grabs a couple more grenades out of the metal box in front of her and looks around.
DELORES: Who's hungry? Martinez!
PRIVATE DANNY MARTINEZ, buckling on his body armor, SINGING softly to himself, oblivious of his surroundings. Next to him is STAFF-SERGEANT BOOKS MALLOY, a good looking kid wearing body armor, his weapon cradled in the crook of one arm. He turns and reaches to snatch a grenade out of the air before it can hit Danny in the face. Danny looks up and blinks. "Where'd that come from?"
BOOKS: (soft rasp) Wake up.
Danny, obviously respecting Books, takes the grenade and nods. Books shifts the toothpick in his mouth, looks toward Delores and casually reaches up to snag another grenade out of the air. He nods to Delores and then his gaze shifts to a doorway as we hear DOORS OPENING. We PAN to MASTER SERGEANT "METAL HEAD" HOOKER, a big, rough looking NCO with a shiny metal plate that covers half of his skull and his lower jawbone as he steps inside the armory and surveys his troops.
METAL HEAD: Awright, listen up! We are orbiting the planet Ithacon! In one minute we will board the shuttle craft and proceed to target area Delta. Our mission is to search and destroy! Let me repeat that... search and destroy! We have been chasing this alien sonofabitch long enough! In the past six months he has disrupted Galactic Mining operations to the tune of half a billion dollars and the word has come down from above... kill the bastard, or else! Now, what is our mission?!
MARINES: (in unison) KILL!!
METAL HEAD: I can't hear you!
MARINES: (twice as loud) KILL, KILL, KILL!!
TINA, a pretty, albeit studious looking young woman wearing a science officer's suit, enters just as the Marines respond with "Kill." She recoils slightly from the shouted words. Metal Head looks over at her.
METAL HEAD: (continuing) You're in the wrong place, little girl. Authorized personnel only.
TINA: (intimidated) Uh... I'm looking for Sergeant Hooker?
METAL HEAD: You found him. Whattya want, kid?
TINA: I'm Dr. Reeves. I've been assigned to your... group.
METAL HEAD: What the hell for?
TINA: I'm to collect samples of any alien life forms and...
METAL HEAD: (turning away) Bullshit.
He turns to Sticks who is walking by.
METAL HEAD: (continuing, to Sticks) Get me Dr. Mittenhand.
STICKS: Yassuh. boss... right away. Computer... get your lazy ass up and lemme talk to the boss.
A robotic monitor obediently moves up to him. DR. MITTENHAND appears on the view screen. He looks up from his work and appears startled by the intrusion. He's in his 40's, balding and slightly demented looking in a polished, superior way.
DR. MITTENHAND: (German dialect) What is it?
Metal Head steps up near the view screen.
METAL HEAD: Sergeant Hooker, sir. In the armory. We got us a female of the species says she's been assigned to our search and destroy mission.
DR. MITTENHAND: Correct. Dr. Reeves is the ship's biological officer and my personal assistant. You will see that she is protected at all times.
METAL HEAD: All due respect, sir... we got enough on our hands without babysittin' some...
DR. MITTENHAND: You have your orders, Sergeant. I suggest you follow them.
The screen goes blank. Metal Head looks over at Tina who tries to match his glare, but can't. Metal Head turns away.
METAL HEAD: Awright Books, get this little girl ready for combat. She's your responsibility... let's mount up!
3 EXT. DEEP SPACE. NIGHT.
The shuttle leaves the Behemoth, exiting from the huge cargo bay #1 doors, rocketing towards the planet.
4 INT. SHUTTLE. NIGHT.
The Marines facing each other on parallel benches in the back of the shuttle as it cruises through space.
BOOKS and TINA - Tina sitting down now in Marine fatigues, Books on one knee in front of her, helping her on with her body armor. He's rough with her, upset that he has to worry about a civilian in a battle situation.
TINA: (re: the armor) Is this really necessary?
BOOKS: If ya wanna stay alive, it is.
TINA: (pushing his hands away) Do you mind?
She tries to buckle on the armor. Sticks moves into frame, sitting down besider her.
STICKS: See, the reason you're havin' problems is... he never put clothes on a woman before.
BOOKS: As you were, Sticks.
Tina breaks a nail on one of the clasps.
TINA: Ow! (holds her thumb up) Oh, jeez, I broke a nail.
STICKS: Medic!
BOOKS: Gimme that...
Books grabs the front of her body armor, starts buckling it for her. His fingers, or the backs of his hands grazing her breasts.
TINA: (pointedly) Having fun?
BOOKS: Sorry.
There's a sudden lurch and a ROARING NOISE as the craft begins to shake and vibrate, causing Tina to fall into Books' arms. He holds onto her as they look into each other's eyes. A spark.
BOOKS: (continuing) Y'awright?
TINA: (staring into his eyes) Uh... yeah... I'm...
She nods, starting to pull away, but the ship lurches again and she has to hold onto him.
BOOKS: Better strap yourself in.
She nods and sits besides Sticks who reaches to strap her in.
STICKS: (re: seat belt) In case we hit the ground at two thousand miles an hour and explode into a big fireball. We don't want you to fall outta your seat.
TINA: Right. Thanks.
5 INT. DUNGEON CAVE. PLANET ITHACON. DAY.
PRINCESS ZARINA, a gorgeous, young woman, scantily clad in a kind of neo-harem outfit, is chained to the wall of a cave, the walls of which are veined in gold. We see an exotic looking necklace around her neck, denoting her high-station. Flickering torches provide light as she struggles ineffectually against her bonds. We hear a NOISE from the shadows and the Princess ceases to struggle as she peers into the recesses of the cave. We hear BREATHING. Something there. Her eyes probe the darkness. Real fear grips her now as the BREATHING becomes LOUDER and closer.
CLOSE ON CLAWED, GNARLED FINGERS - as somebody, something reaches out of the dark shadows to put his hand on the wall, then peers around the corner at US. CLOSER on beady, blood-shot eyes filled with evil.
Princess Zarina sees the eyes of the creature and SCREAMS, the sound echoing through the cave as she redoubles her efforts to loosen her chains.
LEPRECHAUN - dressed in a tuxedo and looking almost distinguished in a satanic way, saunters out of the shadows, shelaleigh in hand. He flourishes a cigarette clasped in a gold cigarette holder.
LEPRECHAUN: (low, seductive) Good evening.
Princess Zarina SCREAMS again. The Leprechaun smiles, listening to the echo and appreciating her shrieks of terror.
LEPRECHAUN: (re: her screams) Ah... an angel's voice sends pleasure to every part of my being. Your shrieks, my dear, provide a perfect accompaniment to a romantic evening. (waves his shelaleigh) Dinner for two.
A candle-lit table appears, complete with covered dishes and a champagne bucket. The Leprechaun walks over and pulls a chair out for the Princess.
Princess Zarina's chains drop from her wrists and she reacts, startled. She rubs her chafed wrists and looks around, befuddled.
LEPRECHAUN: Don't be afraid, my dear... I am love's own messenger, sent to bring you tidings of joy and the promise of new born ecstasy.
An evil glint to his smile draws the Princess forward to the proffered chair. He gestures. The chair draws back from the table by itself, and the champagne bottle pops its cork.
LEPRECHAUN: A little of the bubbly to put us on more friendly terms.
6 EXT. SKY. DAY.
The space shuttle becomes a ball of flame as it enters Ithacon's atmosphere.
7 INT. SHUTTLE. DAY.
The Marines tense as the shuttle is buffeted about. Metal Head steps in from the cockpit.
METAL HEAD: Awright... we're goin' in. Let's bow our heads. (everybody bows their heads) Lord... be with us as we hunt down and destroy the ungodly sonofabitch waitin' out there for us. Help us to kill whatever gets in our way and let all our wounds be flesh wounds. Amen.
MARINES: Amen.
Tina looks over at Books, appalled.
STICKS: (leans in, sarcastic) I feel real safe, now. Don't you?
Books smiles, amused and then settles back for the landing.
TINA: Can I ask you something? (off Sticks' look) How did the Sergeant... I mean... what happened to his... head?
STICKS: Happened during the last war. The Sarge went down in a shuttle over Crylanium. Took half his skull out, but he still managed to carry a wounded Marine on his back for over fifteen miles before he reached our lines.
TINA: Wow. Did he live? The guy he carried on his back... did he...
Sticks looks over at Books. Tina follows his gaze.
BOOKS: Yeah. He lived. (grins) If you call this "livin'."
Sticks smiles and gives Books a high-five. Both men settle back, relaxed. Tina realizes Books was the guy Metal Head carried on his back.
8 INT. DUNGEON CAVE. DAY.
The Leprechaun proposing a toast, glass held high. He gestures for her to do the same. She picks her glass up.
LEPRECHAUN: To the most beautiful woman in the galaxy... the Princess Zarina. My future wife!
PRINCESS ZARINA: Your wife?? Your WIFE?? How dare you! Do you know who I am?! I am the daughter of a king!
LEPRECHAUN: You will one day be queen and it is your royal blood, madame, that will make me a king!
PRINCESS ZARINA: What?? You?? (derisive laugh) A king??
LEPRECHAUN: Laugh if you like, my darlin', but I'll have me way. I am a man among men, and it's tired I am of bein' treated like a dog. From now on, the rest of this miserable world will bow and scrape before me... and if they don't... (slams shelaleigh between two champagne glasses) ...off with their heads!
He CACKLES insanely as the glasses obligingly shatter.
9 EXT. SURFACE OF PLANET ITHACON. DAY.
The shuttle is parked in a rugged landscape, lit up by electrical storms. Metal Head leads the Marines into frame and looks around.
BOOKS: Real vacation spot.
METAL HEAD: I've seen worse. Ever been to Detroit?
10 INT. DUNGEON CAVE. DAY.
Princess Zarina throwing food across the table at the Leprechaun.
ZARINA: I'll never marry you! Never! I'd rather die first!
LEPRECHAUN: (dodging thrown objects) Would ya rather be dead, or would ya rather be rich?!!
Princess Zarina pauses, ready to throw something at him.
ZARINA: Excuse me?
LEPRECHAUN: Your father the king hasn't a penny to his name... he's a stupid old fool who gave everything he had to his loyal subjects! And left his family with nothin'.
ZARINA: He... he was being noble.
LEPRECHAUN: He was being a fool! I can make you rich beyond your wildest dreams!
ZARINA: (derisive) Oh, really??
The Leprechaun waves his shelaleigh and the table is covered with gold and jewels.
LEPRECHAUN: Yes... really.
Princess Zarina reaches to scoop up a handful of jewels.
ZARINA: They're beautiful...
The Leprechaun walks into frame, on top of the table. He leers at her.
LEPRECHAUN: And there's plenty more where that came from.
ZARINA: You begin to interest me... vaguely.
LEPRECHAUN: Ah, yer a proud one... you were meant to be a queen. With me by your side you'll have the richest kingdom in the universe... I'll clothe ya in the finest silks and satins... I'll cover ya in jewels from the far corners of the galaxy.
ZARINA: (mesmerized) I deserve it, you know... for all I've suffered... being a princess with nothing to wear... people treating me as though I were common.
The Leprechaun kneels on the table in front of her and holds a sparkling gold and diamond necklace in front of her eyes.
LEPRECHAUN: (hypnotic) Gold is power, my love. Think what it'll be like... with everyone bowing and scraping before you.
ZARINA: Yes... I'd like that...
LEPRECHAUN: (very close to here, seductive, licking his lips) Let me moisten your lips with the sweet nectar of revenge so that we may stand together... and punish all who have wronged you.
ZARINA: Oh... wouldn't I like to see them on their knees...
LEPRECHAUN: (hypnotizing her with the necklace) You'll have everything you've ever wanted... gold is power... gold is power... power... power... power...
11 EXT. CAVE ENTRANCE. DAY.
PAN DOWN a craggy mountain to a group of rocks outside a cave entrance. The Marines take up defensive positions. Metal Head scans the area with his locator device.
METAL HEAD: Lucky! Yer up! (re: his locater) I'm getting a reading... Take a look inside.
Lucky moves off into the cave.
12 INT. FIRST CAVE. DAY.
Lucky edges inside the cave moving into the shadows, careful.
13 EXT. CAVE ENTRANCE. DAY.
Tina and Delores crouched beside a rock.
DELORES: So... you're a scientist, or somethin', huh?
TINA: Yes. I am.
Delores nods, hmm. Tina checks Delores out.
TINA: Have you ever been in combat?
DELORES: Oh, yeah. Lotsa' times.
TINA: Are you ever frightened?
DELORES: Are you kiddin'? Every time. (looks around) I'm scared now... (off Tina's look) ...so's everybody else. Comes with the job. (off Tina's concerned look) Hey... we fight better when we're a little goosed. Know what I mean?
TINA: Yeah. I think so.
14 INT. FIRST CAVE. DAY.
Lucky moves toward the entrance to another chamber in the cave. Suddenly a weird animal of some kind scurries out between some rocks, startling him so that he fires a burst at it from his weapon.
15 INT. DUNGEON CAVE. DAY.
The Leprechaun and Princess Zarina react to GUNFIRE outside the cave. The Leprechaun gestures and his tuxedo changes to his regular costume.
LEPRECHAUN: Visitors.
ZARINA: My father! He's found me!
LEPRECHAUN: If he has... will you go back with him?
She looks at the Leprechaun, then at the necklace. She snatches it out of his hand.
ZARINA: (a wicked smile) The king is dead... long live the king.
A15 INT. FIRST CAVE. DAY.
PAN UP from the shattered remains of the alien rodent as the Marines examine it. Metal Head gestures for Lucky to enter the next chamber and he does, slipping into the darkness.
Metal Head signals Books to join him at the tunnel entrance where they take up covering positions. Delores notices Tina's concern.
DELORES: You'll be awright. I'll watch out for ya.
TINA: Thanks.
DELORES: Be nice havin' another woman around. Give me somebody to talk to.
MOOCH: What about me?
DELORES: Right. (to Tina) All they care about is whether or not I'm wearin' any panties.
MOOCH: Delores... nobody gives a damn if yer wearin' panties or not. (beat) Just for the sake of argument... are ya? I mean... you wouldn't wear those black lacy ones into combat would ya? I mean... would ya??
Mooch dances his eyebrows up and down. Delores gives him a hard look, looks at Tina who rolls her eyes in disgust.
16 INT. TREASURE CAVE. DAY.
Another chamber filled with the Leprechaun's gold supply, jewels, sparkling space rocks, etc. Torches flicker on the wall. Lucky moves into frame and sees all the goodies.
LUCKY: (awed) Wow...
Lucky walks over to a table laden with gold and jewels and starts stuffing some of it into his pockets. We PAN down to below the table where the Leprechaun is crouched. He flicks his wrist and a green laser beam shoots out from his shelaleigh, making it a lethal weapon. He smiles malevolently and draws his laser-shelaleigh back...
LUCKY - is stuffing gold into his pockets as we hear a SWOOSH and Lucky loses about a foot of height. He reacts, his eyes going wide with shock. Another SWOOSH and he loses another foot in height. He looks down as we hear another SWOOSH and he drops down so that his head is barely visible over the table. He SCREAMS in agony.
17 INT. FIRST CAVE. DAY.
Metal Head, Books and Tina react to Lucky's SCREAMS.
METAL HEAD: (to Books) Stay with the kid. (turns to the other marines in the b.g.) Let's go!
Books is outraged at having to stay behind as Metal Head and the other Marines charge in to save Lucky. We hear AUTOMATIC WEAPONS FIRE ECHOING inside the cave. Books looks at Tina.
BOOK: Stay here! Don't move!!
Books goes after his buddies and Tina follows.
18 INT. TREASURE CAVE. DAY.
The Marines blaze away at the Leprechaun who scoops up Lucky's weapon and dives behind a treasure chest. He STICKS the weapon over the top of the chest and fires a burst.
Metal Head and Kowalski dive for cover as bullets ricochet around them. Kowalski tosses a grenade.
PRINCESS ZARINA - appearing in another entranceway. Kowalski's grenade bounces near her feet. She looks down.
LEPRECHAUN: (O.S.) Get down!
LEPRECHAUN - amidst a hail of gunfire, runs toward the Princess and dives onto the grenade.
METAL HEAD AND KOWALSKI - duck as the grenade EXPLODES. Dirt and debris rain down on them as Books dives into frame beside them. One of the Leprechaun's legs thuds to the ground in front of him. They all look at it and then look to see if the Leprechaun survived.
LEPRECHAUN AND PRINCESS ZARINA - pieces of the Leprechaun are scattered about. A leg, an arm, etc. The Princess lies motionless, a hand and part of a forearm are buried beneath the rocks, apparently severed by the explosion. We see a couple of fingers visible between rocks. The Marines walk into frame, alert to more danger. Tina pushes past them and kneels beside the Princess.
METAL HEAD: Nice toss, Kowalski.
KOWALSKI: Fuckin'-A.
TINA: She's alive...
Delores moves in beside Tina, breaking out a first-aid kit.
DELORES: We gotta stop this bleeding...
TINA: We need help here... we need to get her back to the shuttle!
BOOKS: (steps into frame) Mooch, Danny... get over here!
Mooch and Danny hustle over to help as Books sees something and moves to look at it. We FOLLOW him over to the princess' severed hand. He picks it up and notices the bright, blue blood dripping off it.
DANNY: (O.S.) Hey, Books... give us a hand!
Books looks at the severed hand he's holding.
BOOKS: Here.
He tosses the hand O.S. to Danny.
DANNY: (O.S.) Oh, shit...
TINA: (O.S.) Give me that... stop playing around.
METAL HEAD - looking the treasure over.
METAL HEAD: Kowalski... you and Sticks start packin' some of this stuff up!
KOWALSKI - undoing the fly of his pants.
KOWALSKI: It was my kill, Sarge. I get to add the final touch.
We PAN DOWN to the Leprechaun's head lying between Kowalski's legs. We see an arm in the foreground. A stream of urine arcs into frame as Kowalski pisses on the Leprechaun's arm, etc. The Leprechaun's face which has been frozen in a death-mask suddenly contorts into an evil grin. Kowalski's urine turns a bright green color.
Kowalski pissing, his expression blissful. Suddenly, he grimaces in pain and looks down at his Johnson.
KOWALSKI: Whoa... shit...
STICKS: (walks by) Way to go, K.O. I'd give you a round of applause, but I see you've already got the clap.
Kowalski checks his Johnson out, worried.
19 EXT. SPACE. NIGHT.
The shuttle rocketing away from Ithacon.
20 INT. SHUTTLE. NIGHT.
Metal Head on the radio.
METAL HEAD: (into a microphone) Uh... Eagle one to Behemoth. Mission accomplished... target destroyed. Uh... we had one killed and we're bringin' back a casualty... humanoid female, origin unknown... uh... E.T.A. twelve minutes.
A20 EXT. DEEP SPACE. NIGHT.
EST. shot Behemoth in orbit around planet Ithacon.
21 INT. BIOLOGY LAB. BEHEMOTH. NIGHT.
Caged extra-terrestrial life forms in the b.g. of the lab. Harold, a ferret like lab assistant, examines a scorpion in a glass case with a large magnifying glass. We hear Tina call him. He crosses the room and enters the bio-dome. The Princess has all sorts of monitors attached to her as she lies unconscious on a hospital bed. Books looks over at Tina as she examines the necklace around the Princess' neck.
TINA: (touches the necklace around the Princess' neck) This is interesting... You know what this is, Harold? (off Harold's look) From the planet Dominia. It signifies royal birth. This is quite an opportunity.
HAROLD: For what?
TINA: If we can save her, it'll mean better relations with the Dominians. (checks a monitor) I'll need a complete work-up on her bodily fluids... organ delineation charts and let's do an encephalogram, too... run everything through the main computer so that Dr. Mittenhand can look it over.
HAROLD: Excuse me, but I don't work for you... I work for...
TINA: Harold, just do it. We'll fight about who's in charge later.
Harold takes an attitude, looking slightly effete as he stands there with his hands on his hips. Books grabs him.
BOOKS: You heard the lady. Move yer ass.
HAROLD: Don't touch me unless you mean it, cowboy.
Harold shrugs himself free of Books' grip and after a glance at Tina, moves to do her bidding. Tina looks at Books.
TINA: Please don't ever do that again.
BOOKS: What... I was helpin' out.
TINA: Yes, I understand, but that's not the kind of help I need.
BOOKS: Uh-huh.
TINA: What was your name?
BOOKS: Sergeant Malloy. My friends call me "Books."
TINA: (offhand, busy) Well, Sergeant Malloy, I have work to do, so why don't you return to your unit and do whatever it is you people do when you're not killing something.
BOOKS: (beat, insulted) Strip.
TINA: (looks up, startled) I beg your pardon?
BOOKS: I gotta take the body armor.
TINA: Oh.
22 INT. CARGO BAY #2. BEHEMOTH. DAY.
The place is filled with containers of varied sizes and types, most of them futuristic looking. A robotic fork-lift cruises by with a load of stuff. Metal Head and Harold are examining mineral samples brought from the Leprechaun's cave. Harold runs a hand-held device over a sample and looks at the digital read-out.
HAROLD: This is all high-grade material. That cave must be riddled with gold.
METAL HEAD: Put this stuff away, dick-head, so I can go get drunk.
Harold recoils from Metal Head's insult and briskly turns to walk over to the Miniaturization apparatus, a large, ray-gun like piece of machinery. He flicks a switch on a control panel and a shaft of bright red light zaps the gold, shrinking the big rocks down to pebble size.
METAL HEAD: Handy little gadget. What do ya do when ya wanna unload it?
HAROLD: Simply reverse the process...
Harold hits another switch and we see the bright red light as the pebbles are restored to their normal size.
METAL HEAD: Not bad.
HAROLD: It was invented by Dr. Mittenhand. (wanting to be overheard) He's a genius!
DR. MITTENHAND: (O.S.) Yes, Harold. Thank you for that "heartfelt" testimonial.
Metal Head and Harold turn to look at a nearby monitor where Dr. Mittenhand's head fills the screen.
DR. MITTENHAND: (continuing) I have informed Galactic Enterprises of our find. Our instructions are to orbit the planet until a mining crew and the appropriate equipment arrive. Once the mining procedure has begun we can return home. Sergeant, your men will act as security until we are relieved. Any questions?
METAL HEAD: Our contract expires at midnight tonight.
DR. MITTENHAND: I'm sure a bonus of some kind can be arranged.
METAL HEAD: No can do, sir. We signed on for thirty days. Legally, we're free agents as of midnight tonight.
DR. MITTENHAND: I will decide when you are a free agent. No one leaves this ship unless I say so. Is that clear, Sergeant?
METAL HEAD: With all due respect, sir...
DR. MITTENHAND: Carry on.
The monitor goes black.
HAROLD: (frightened of Mittenhand) You shouldn't argue with him, you know. Ever.
23 INT. ENTERTAINMENT LOUNGE. BEHEMOTH. NIGHT.
A big place. Swirling lights, LOUD MUSIC and nobody there but the Marines. Books, Sticks, Danny and Mooch are at a table, drinking. Kowalski and Delores are indulging themselves in a very provocative dance... (slow, grinding pelvis to pelvis, etc.) Delores wears fatigue shorts. Kowalski's belt carries a sidearm and a bayonet.
KOWALSKI: Let's go someplace...
DELORES: (glancing at the others) They'll see us leaving... they'll know.
KOWALSKI: They're not gonna know... hell, they're all drunk.
She nods and they start to walk off. We hear WHISTLES and CATCALLS from the other Marines.
DANNY: (O.S.) Where you kids goin'? Can I give ya a lift?
STICKS: (O.S.) Kowalski, did I tell ya the doctor called? He said everything is fine... just be sure and wear protective gloves when you pee.
LAUGHTER from everybody. Delores, alarmed, looks at Kowalski.
KOWALSKI: It's a joke...
Kowalski glances back at the Marines and flips them off.
MOOCH: (O.S.) (re: Kowalski's finger) That's about the size of it, right, Ernie?
Some more LAUGHTER and a couple more WHISTLES.
BOOKS, STICKS, DANNY AND MOOCH - as they watch Kowalski and Delores walk off.
DANNY: Well... (raises his drink) ...here's to nasty sex and women who never say no.
BOOKS: (somber, raises his glass) Here's to Lucky. The Marine who died just a few hours ago.
Everybody's smiles fade. They look at each other. Somber.
24 INT. CORRIDOR INTERSECTION. BOWELS OF THE SHIP. NIGHT.
Kowalski and Delores looking for a place to make out. Their footsteps ECHO off the metal pipes that run across the high ceilings and walls of the ship.
25 EXT. WASTE DISPOSAL CHAMBER. NIGHT.
They approach an alcove next to a solid waste disposal unit. Painted on a door are the words: "WASTE DISPOSAL CHAMBER. NO ADMITTANCE." There's a skull and crossbones painted just above the sign for emphasis.
KOWALSKI: Over here.
He leads her over to a shadowy area where they embrace immediately and begin groping each other. Kowalski is unbuttoning her fatigue shirt while she takes off his belt from which hangs a pistol and a bayonet in a scabbard. She reaches down the front of his pants. He MOANS with pleasure.
KOWALSKI: (continuing) Oooh, yeah... baby... shake hands with the big guy...
He pulls her top open and buries his face in her cleavage. She responds, her hand still down the front of his pants. They kiss passionately and then Kowalski flinches in pain.
KOWALSKI: Oh, baby... take it easy... you don't wanna hurt Mister Snake... (flinches again) Yiii!
DELORES: What's wrong... what is it?
He grabs her hand and pulls it out of his pants.
KOWALSKI: Whattya wanna do, take it home with ya? Jeez... not so rough!
DELORES: But... I didn't do anything...
Kowalski doubles up, grabbing at his crotch and MOANING in pain. He looks down, taking his hands away. We see a big bulge beneath his pants, and it's moving around. Delores reacts with astonishment.
DELORES: (continuing) What the hell is going on in there?
Kowalski's head snaps back and he SCREAMS in agony.
SILHOUETTE SHOT: shadows on the wall as Delores watches Kowalski's erection grow to huge proportions.
DELORES: Kowalski... my God... what is it??
KOWALSKI: Yaaaahhhhhhhhhh!
The erection grows to ridiculous size as Kowalski claws at it in agony.
DELORES - wide-eyed, watching Kowalski and his massive erection. Kowalski lets out a terrible SCREAM and we hear his pants RIPPING. Delores sees something and SCREAMS. She ducks out of the way. The Leprechaun flies over her head and out of frame.
LEPRECHAUN: YAAAAAAA-HOOOOOO!
LEPRECHAUN - lands on his feet and grins maliciously.
Kowalski, his front splattered with blood, has his eyes roll up into his head and then collapses.
LEPRECHAUN: (continuing, tips his hat) Let that be a lesson to ya, lad. Always wear a prophylactic.
Delores screams but soon recovers enough to draw Kowalski's side arm and point it at the Leprechaun, who snaps his fingers. Suddenly he is wearing gunslinger's pistols, a cowboy hat, and spurs. He draws and shoots the gun out of Delores' hand. Delores backs away clutching Kowalski's belt. The Leprechaun assumes a John Wayne pose and drawl.
LEPRECHAUN: (continuing, John Wayne) Awwww... hold it right there, Pilgrim. I'm not gonna hurt ya. Naw, I'm not gonna hurt ya. (as she screams and runs) The hell I'm not.
He lurches off in true John Wayne.
